in with the new

LIRR Scandal!

Oh boy am I going to miss the LIRR! It gave me a going away "only in NY" gift this week. I took the 9:54 train home on Tuesday night. So did a drunk (HAMMERED!!!) couple who had SEX IN MY TRAIN CAR!!! THE WHOLE TRIP! They sat in the end, near the bathroom. I thought that was smart, in case they had to throw up.

I was far enough away to not get any love juice on me, but near enough to know (and at some points hear) what was going on. And the car was far from empty. There was at least one person per seat in the car, maybe 50 total.

After we left Penn station, the girl was straddling her boyfriend, and her cardigan was down and her tank top straps were no where in sight. The conductor came over and told them to behave themselves. He babysat them for a while, but had ticket collecting to get to, so he went away. And they went at it again. There was some loud noise from the girl whih indicated she was enjoying herself. Sometimes you could see straddling, and other times their heads were out of view because they were horizontal. Yep. Classy.

A second conductor came over a couple of times and told them to knock it off, or the cops would come and arrest them. But they kept on each time he walked away. Two stops before their stop, he went back over and yelled, "PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON OR GET OFF THE TRAIN!!!" Hah! They did both. I bet they did it in the cab on the way to Long Beach!!! Pervs!

I heart LIRR Conductors

I lost my cell phone this morning on the train. I switched to the other end of the car mid-ride because some awful man kept making LOUD consecutive calls. I left my phone on seat #1. At Penn, I realized I didn't have it when I got up to the street. I ran back down to the train, it wasn't there. I checked the Lost and Found, it wasn't there. I went back to the train, and looked under every seat in the car, it wasn't there. I went up to the LIRR waiting room and took apart my bags, it wasn't there. It wasn't there. I took the bus to work, stressed the whole time. Someone could be making calls to Guatemala or Belarus. I'm going to have to get peoples' cell numbers ALL OVER again. Someone could have downloaded ringtones (that happened to Will!). I got to my desk, there was a message from the LIRR conductor. He'd found my phone and was going to turn it into the Lost and Found. (There's a "me work" number on the phone.) Isn't that SO nice!!! Thank you Mr. LIRR Conductor!

Fear and Loathing on the LIRR

My sister came to visit last weekend. We took her out in NYC on Saturday night. We headed home on the 3:54am LIRR train. Will told my sister, "get ready! the LIRR is always an event!". He had no idea!

When the train started rolling, everyone was shouting out to each other about the A. Rod deal. "The Yanks will still suck!" "The deal's not even finalized!" "A. Rod sucks!"... You get it. As you can see from the diagram, the major players here were crazy girl (who was HAMMERED), her boyfriend, and confrontational guy. Confrontational Guy (CG) and boyfriend, who didn't know each other, were giving each other shit about the trade (in a good natured manner). Boyfriend was reading the paper, and CG said, "why don't you take your paper and your fake leather jacket and shut up?"

Crazy Girl stood up and yelled and cursed at CG, "You better shut the eff up! His jacket costs more than you and your whole life." She yelled more obscenities. Boyfriend told her to sit down and be quiet. Then he and CG went at it again, very calmly, but still egging each other on. Boyfriend wanted to know why CG had to make fun of his jacket, when all they were doing was talking about A. Rod. Crazy Girl yelled some more. The conductor came over to pacify the situation. Boyfriend and CG talked a little more. Out of nowhere, Crazy Girl stands up and leans over the seat in front of her. With her pointy-heeled shoe, she clocked CG in the head!

At first CG just sat there stunned. Then the conductor came over to take him to another car (probably to make sure he was alright and to separate them). When CG stood up, blood streamed down his face. A couple of drops got on Will's coat (ew!). He went all Beserker on her, yelling, "YOU JUST EFFED WITH A NAVY SEAL!" He wasn't that big, but he would have killed her and her boyfriend in his rage had there not been a few people holding him back. (I'm pretty sure I saw his adamantium claws start to poke through!)

That stupid, low-class girl. She continued to insult him and everyone in the train car. She should have gotten off the train at the first stop, because at the second, the cops came on the train, and she went willingly with them, with a big smile on her face. (At some point during her tirade, she yelled, "My brother's a cop". Maybe she thought that made her immune to battery charges.) I hope Wolverine, er, I mean CG, pressed charges and is ok!

Yep, that's what I'm exposed to on the LIRR!