in with the new

Who Knew

Who knew it was "rapport" and not "report"? I was thinking along the lines of how Steven Colbert pronounces his name... Oops, my bad.

An Email

There once was a person in my life. We were very close in college, and after, and she was even one of my bridesmaids in October 2001. In October 2002, she stopped calling me. I called her one afternoon, she said she was running out the door for a spin class, and I knew she'd never call back. Over a year after that, I found out it was because I bugged her too much to call me back.

The last time I saw her was last December at a friend's birthday celebration. I had nothing to say to her. I'm not going to invest time making nice to a person who didn't have the courtesy to tell a friend of TEN years what was bugging her. Eff her.

I got an email from her this week...

Hi, I know your not talking to me but I had to let you know that I had a very vivid dream the other night that you gave birth to a very cute healthy baby boy.

Hope you and your family are doing well.

I emailed her back...

Wow -- that's weird. Hope your family is well too.

What I really wanted to say was...

"I know your not talking to me"? You weren't talking to me for over a YEAR before we crossed paths and you tried to be friendly. I saw you nudge your friend and say, "see, I told you", after I gave you the brush off last year. You weren't even really being friendly. You were just testing the waters. Well, this water is COLD. And it will never again warm for you.

I deleted a couple of sentences that had "I don't give a rat's ass" and "eff yourself". Hee.

Granny Smith

Who is Granny Smith, and why didn't she get a sweeter apple? Why did she get the most sour apple of all? Was she the mean old neighbor of an apple farmer? The winesap (my very favorite) is a sweet contender, and wouldn't bring to mind a purse-faced mean old lady when you consider the name.

According to this, she wasn't a big old sourpuss after all. She was Maria Smith, born 1799. She was an orchardist. She had a crab apple/regular apple mutation growing on her land in the late 1860s. They weren't called Granny Smiths while she was alive. Twenty-two years after her death (in 1870), they were called Granny Smiths by other farmers.

Speaking of Apples, that's the name of Gwenyth Paltrow and Chris Martin's new baby. A little weird, but you know what they say about names... "Sticks and stones may break..." Er, I mean, "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." Or baby diapers, and not so sweet. Coldplay made a funny parody video. "I aint no baddie, I'm your baby's daddy." Hah.

Good Practice?

Several people have said to me that having a dog is "good practice" for having a baby. No it isn't. Yes, I know it's another being to share my life with, take to the doctor, feed, take for walks, find a sitter for if I'm going away for an extended amount of time...

A dog can be left home for hours at a time, a baby goes with you everywhere or needs a sitter. Keeping a baby in a crate is not considered good parenting. Food preparation for a dog takes a minute, and there's no pump involved and no Blues Clues Macaroni and Cheese pan to wash. When a dog goes #2, you scoop it and throw it away. There are no expensive diapers, no mess to wipe (well, almost never), no diaper rash. A dog might laze around on a towel that needs to be washed weekly and replaced when she nibbles holes in it. A baby's clothes need to be washed as often as your own (unless you "smell test" things, then MORE often) and a baby needs new clothes every time it grows out of the existing clothes. There are also no stretch marks, no sore breasts, no weight gain, no painful birth involved with having a dog.

I'm not saying I don't want a baby, eventually, but I know I'm not "practicing" for an eventual baby with Basher. I'm also not turned off by any of the above baby intricacies. I am very excited about having and raising a child, EVENTUALLY. I know that when I have a baby, having a dog will not have prepared me for it in the least. There is no practice, except for the real thing.

Be Mime, Valentime!

"Valentime" instead of "valentine" is so wrong. I understand when people add an "s" to things (like I worked at "Rickel" but people called it "Rickles" - like Don Rickles). But I have no idea why people think it's ok to change the spelling of a word! The same for people who say "nucular". And "liberry". And "supposably". (Sorry fans of Joey Trebbiani. #142) I spoke with a man yesterday who said "supposably" FIVE times. I wanted to jump over the desk and shake the correct enunciation out of him!

Here's what I'm getting my homies for Valentines Day. You can send one, too!

2003 Review

This has been a really great year! Here's my list of great things in no particular order...

We sold our crap ass apartment in August.

We closed on our awesome house November 3.

We lived in New York City from August 1 to the closing.

We lived in Union Square, and found out how awesome it is.

We met Josh, Luciana, Chris and Mark from living there. I love them!

We went out a LOT on the Lower East Side and found out how awesome it is.

We lived in NYC through the blackout and found out how awesome this city can be.

I went on 2 vacations:

       with Nicole to Cancun (March 1 - 5)
       with Will to Vegas for Memorial Day weekend. (Hard Rock, baby!)

I surprise visited my family the beginning of September.

We surprise visited Will's parents the end of September.

I had special NYC days off with visitors... Will's mom, my mom, Will's sister and her friend.

I took a day off to spend QT with Shannon and Nulio in March.

My parents came to see our house during Chanukah.

We went to Will's parent's for our annual traditional Christmas.

I started making necklaces and made my own website in March(ish).

I did the Hell's Kitchen Flea Market in July and met Bridget, who is a great new friend.

I had a necklace party at Melissa's apartment. Another new, fun friend!

I sold some of my jewelry at Bridget's holiday store in December.

I signed up for Typepad in August and met Laren, a new 'net friend. We'll have fun drinking and getting to know each other.

We were chosen as a Nielsen Household!

Happy New Year! I hope you have a fun, safe celebration tonight and for all days in the coming year!

bloomin' bad

I started a diet last week. Every food has a point value. I'm allowed to eat 20 points a day. A cup of fruit is 1 point. The Bloomin' Onion from Outback is 44 points. That means, even if I share it with someone, it's still an entire day of points! This link says, "According to Restaurant Confidential, one Bloomin Onion with the Dipping Sauce contains 2130 calories and 163 grams of fat! Leave out the sauce and you still consume 1690 calories and 119 grams of fat, 57 of them saturated.". Ew.

I say this every time we eat at Outback... That Bloomin' Onion should have warning flags in it. "May cause heart attack." "Share this with 7 friends and it's sort of ok to eat." "A moment on the lips... You know the rest." "Have a salad instead." But it doesn't have flags, and we see them coming out of the kitchen one after another.

Dottie has point values for a lot of restaurants, and Outback is listed. She doesn't even LIST the Bloomin' Onion! Maybe it's not really considered food? Hrm... Her Outback page's highest point food is the Aussie Cheese Fries at 32 points. That one should have the flags as well. Maybe I'll just eat in.

Dear Bust Magazine...

Dear Bust Magazine,

I emailed you 2 months ago to change my mailing address to my work address. I had no idea that you were going to sell my mailing information to pro-choice activists, catalog people, and God knows who else. I know you're not published by one of those major magazine names, but if you needed money, couldn't you just raise the price of the magazine subscription?

This morning was most embarrassing. (And I don't embarrass easily.) The middle-aged mail guy hand-delivered my Victoria's Secret catalog, cleavage, breasts and all to me. It was hidden inside the J. Crew catalog, (thanks, thoughtful mailroom people!) but he pulled it out to make SURE that it was addressed to me. I was so embarrassed to be on the receiving end of that catalog as he gave it a thorough once and twice over. So thanks, thanks a million.

How do I KNOW the junk mail comes from you? They are addressed to my maiden name, and you are the only magazine subscription that is still that way. Why? Because I started my subscription in 1999 or 2000, and then you went on a delightful hiatus for a long, long time. Eff you, Bust.

Eff you Again!

Erika

Dear readers,

Have you SEEN the Christmas issue of the Victoria's Secret Catalog? This year their Fantasy gift is an 11-million dollar bra and panty made out of diamonds, sapphires... I saw Heidi Klum on Access Hollywood or another informative show during the photo shoot for it. (So you see, I didn't NEED the catalog! Bust effers.)

Love and Stuff,

Erika

19 again

Do you have someone from your past who makes you feel like you're still in that past? I mean this in a good way, in the best way. It's probably a person who you don't see very often, and every time you do, it brings you right back to when you did spend a lot of time with said person. This has happened to me twice in the past week.

The first time was on Saturday night. I was hanging out with three of my sorority sisters and their boys. We had such a great time, drinking wine, watching baseball, playing Yahtzee. One of the women there was my sorority big sister. In college, I was lucky to have a really good relationship with her. She was my older (well, 1 year older, but in college it's a big difference!), wiser friend with good advice about lots of things. Mostly about boys. Every time I see her now, it takes me right back to 1992. I'm the sophomore/junior clown trying to get her to laugh at my jokes. She's the way cool, more experienced big sister I always wanted to know better. I've seen her 3 times since June, and 2 other times in the past 7 years. I hope my stats get better, or at least maintain the level they are at this year!

The second time was yesterday, on AIM with another college friend. My college roommate (who I found a year and a half ago, yay!) passed on the email address of another person I haven't spoken to/emailed in at least 5 or 6 years. The three of us were inseparable our sophomore year. We ate together, did jap laps around campus (in my 4 door, stick shift Plymouth Reliant with the OOGA horn), partied together, hung out with the same group of boys... Anyway, we exchanged emails and pictures yesterday and then got on AIM for some chatting. It is SO MUCH FUN to talk about fun times you had (not in an "I wish I was still there" way, just in a "that was REALLY fun" way). And then after so long apart, to be able to crack jokes on each other like you used to. It was great.

blaine's a pain

Hee, thanks Will, for this link! Shoot David Blaine! Yay!

For anyone who isn't aware, Blaine is an "illusionist". He is suspended in the air in a plexiglass box by The Tower Bridge in London. It's day 35 for him in "Above the Below". I have no idea what this has to do with illusion. I think that there will be a whole lot of crazies who will have the illusion that he is their messiah for completing this feat. Ugh.

When he was Frozen in Time in Nov 2000, I was SO GLAD I didn't work in Times Square (get it, Frozen in TIME?!?). The foot traffic was SO bad... it was during the Christmas shopping season, NYC was chock full of tourists and he was smack in the middle of all that. And he had whatever model he was dating at the time sitting by his side, waiting for her Blainesicle to be free.

Here's a list of the things going on with the man in the box:

• physical deterioration


• mental disturbance


• vision is becoming blurry


• muscle pains


• uneven skin pigmentation


• throbbing head


• increasingly dizzy when he stands


• balls of wool emanating from his sweater... "It's always in my mouth, on my beard... it gets in the back of my throat."


• lost 24 pounds


• frailty and confusion


• imagines the walls a wriggling


• nosebleeds

I'm sure it's all worth it. Heh. I wonder if there's any long-term damage he's doing?

Standing on a pole, buried alive, frozen in time, hanging in the air... Pure genius with these statements. Or something.